A Change in Thoughts

I am now 3 full days away from my departure. I sit in my off-campus house at Taylor University as I type this update. I decided to visit Taylor for 5 days before I head off to Jerusalem. In many ways this has been very exciting to see all of my friends again, but at the same time it has been a time of emotional hardship. My emotions in the past three days have been incredibly hard to decipher and understand.
As I came into this week, as I have finished up all the school work from the summer, I was unsure about my desires to leave the country. I have always known that this is something that I want and need to do for I believe God has prompted me, at this stage in life, to go overseas. But as I have pursued this avenue, I have found it difficult to release the thought of leaving my life here in the states behind. As I’ve had these thoughts, though, it has not been hard to continue with my plans for I know that it will be an opportunity of a lifetime. No matter what happens here in the states, I know that my time in Israel will be much better for me because it is God’s plan for me. As I operate under this understanding, it doesn’t mean that it is always easy to operate under my convictions from the Lord.
Coming to Taylor, I’ve sensed a unique tension between wanting to leave and wanting to stay at Taylor. As I’ve come back to visit all my friends, I have gotten caught up in the Taylor events. Not to exclude anyone reading this, but anyone who has not been to Taylor cannot understand the amount of community that is felt in this place. This “comfortable” feeling had continued to affect me until lately. As I’ve returned to my guy group of friends and seen other teachers and familiar faces, the same excitement that begins every school year started to be sparked. Today, this began to haunt me. Do I really want to go to Jerusalem? I believe that many people in my situation would question this in the same ways I have.
If you would have asked me if I was ready to go to Jerusalem yesterday, or even this morning, I would have told you, “I don’t want to go today or tomorrow, but I’ll be excited and ready when the time comes.” Truly, I just wasn’t ready to go, not much in me wanted to go. But there it goes again, that tension, I do really want to go. I believe it comes down to realizing that Taylor is bigger than me, and this community will go on even though I’m not here. I don’t want it to go on, though. I’m scarred that my friendships I have now will be weakened. I’m afraid that I’ll miss out on events and fin times with my friends. I’m upset that I’ll miss some of the Taylor classes that I have really wanted to take. But there in lies the truth. This place will go on, and so will I, but in a different place.
Tonight’s Community Communion service gave me a lot of sound thoughts. The Lord has worked on my heart tonight to free me from some of the oppressive emotions that I’ve been feeling. Even here at Taylor, I’ve had some rough confrontations. I don’t know why, but part of me is so overwhelmed from all of the people. Even my freshman year, I never was overwhelmed from all the students; only this time. I just don’t feel comfortable around so many people. Socially, it has been a burden to see so many people. Once again, I’ve been torn, though, because I have enjoyed seeing to many people. Also, certain relationships have been tough and emotionally demanding, here, at Taylor. As I think this through, I can only be completely confused.
During the communion service, I prayed to the Lord in such a way that I have not lately. (As soon as I was in the gym with 1,500 other God-loving and God-fearing students my age, I began to crave the atmosphere. I will surly miss this part of the Taylor community. I miss having community chapels three times a week.) Worship through singing brought goose bumps to my skin even though the gym’s temperature rose to a sweaty and smelly 100 degrees. As I left the service, I was at a time of peace. I need to get out of this place. Taylor is great, but I need to get away for many reasons. I need a spiritual retreat with the Lord. I am slightly scarred, and nervous for the trip. But, there has never been a time when I have been more ready to place myself in a more vulnerable and uncertain situation. I am soo excited to go to Jerusalem. I need to go to Jerusalem. It will be good for me to go to Jerusalem. As I’m here, though, I will soak up the friendships that mean more than the world to me.